Not Okay

Life gives us so many opportunities to learn and grow from our experiences. Scratch that; it feels like life can sometimes give us too many of those opportunities. I’d like to say this is not a sob story, but in fact, it is.

I was sobbing uncontrollably in the shower as I let the hot water mix with my unending tears. I rested my head against the cold tiles in the shower to try to regain control, to breathe and pray. Just thirty minutes ago I was “fine.” My morning workout had gone alright, work was work, class was interesting and enjoyable, and Ben was home. Sure, I was exhausted, but at this point that is how I anticipate living for the rest of my life. I laid down for ten minutes before Ben and I were going to head over to the pool for our Valentine’s Day swim. So romantic, I know.

We rode over together in the rain and locked up our bikes. Walking in to the gym, something hit me right in the Adam’s apple. I looked at Ben and said, “As long as I don’t start crying then this swim should go fine.” As soon as I said it though, my eyes just started to fill with tears. We got to the pool deck, stripped to our suits, put our cap and goggles on, sat on the edge of the pool, and put our feet in. The pool was cold, my stomach was hurting, my mind was obsessing over every little thing that felt off. I just sat there and my goggles filled with tears. At that point Ben made the executive (and correct) decision that this one swim just wasn’t worth it. It would be better for all parties involved if we just rode back and ate dinner.

But leaving the pool didn’t make magically make everything okay. We sat at the end of our bed as I continued to cry. Why? Why was I crying; why couldn’t I control myself? What was wrong with me? I kept asking myself (and Ben) that question: what is WRONG with me? I shouldn’t be crying. My life isn’t that hard- I have friends and family whose lives are much harder than mine right now. I shouldn’t be crying- nothing is really “wrong” right now. I kept thinking about all the things people post on social media about how women are strong and fierce. Instead, I felt so weak. I felt like a failure for crying, for letting the stress of life get to me. Between training, school, and work, I felt overwhelmed, and I totally let it get to me. I saw it effect how I spoke to Ben and my co-workers. My current state was reflected in my thoughts about the future, in the looks I gave random strangers, and my irritability with small things (like people who don’t use their blinkers, or dropping a strawberry on the kitchen floor.)

It took me a while to come to the realization, but I believe I did learn a lesson as a result of the breakdown.

I learned that it is okay to not be okay.

It is okay that I am not always going to be strong. It DOES NOT mean that I am weak. Letting my emotions catch up to me and taking a moment to finally let my guard down (not that that was really planned) let me reset myself. I was trying so hard to hold it all together, to keep up with hard workouts, complicated homework, tutoring English or whatever it was, that my vision was clouded by an overwhelming sense of inescapable exhaustion. I can’t say it won’t happen again (let’s be real- it certainly will) but I now know I can look back at yesterday and remember not to beat myself up about not being strong all the time- and instead to accept that if I was always the strong one, then no one else would get the chance to step in and build me up.